The 7 stages of grief. We’ve all heard of them
It is seen as some sort of mighty blueprint for how to deal with trauma. I never really gave it any thought. I was too young for that kind of melancholy nonsense. I was so naive. But wait, I’m sure some of you are saying, Jamie lived. You’re precious boy was alive, why did you grieve? Why weren’t you just grateful? You’re right, my baby boy was alive, but my dream had died. My perfect healthy first-born that I had pinned all my grand hopes and dreams on died that day.
When we went for the ultrasound we were told we were going to have a healthy normal, if someone larger than average baby girl. (The distance for which how far that missed the mark by is a discussion for another day.) We were having a girl. I can’t tell you how excited I was. In my mind I was already picturing the dance recitals, the trips to girl guides, baking her first cookies. I was over the moon, it was going to be so perfect. Then what I never in a million years would have thought could happen, happened. Reality knocked me on my ass. So I grieved, right or wrong, I grieved.
This was not happening. I am a good person. I am ready to be a great mom. This was not happening. – Denial
Oh my god, those diet/caffeine pills I took when I was 16. They screwed me up. This is all my fault – Guilt
Quit looking at me like that. I don’t want your pity – Anger
Why is everyone else having these perfect wonderful healty babies. Why do they deserve it and I don’t? – Depression
Please just leave me alone I can’t deal with anyone else. – Loneliness
What do I do now? How do I do this? – Acceptance
This will get easier. Things will get better. – Hope
And on and on and on it went. Just cycling through the stages trying to find my way. What they don’t tell you is that you don’t just progress through the 7 and then you’re done, you move on with your life. You go through all the stages hundreds of times, sometimes 2 or 3 stages at the same time. You feel like you’re drowning. It’s hell. But you learn to live with it. I learned to live with it, I had to, I had Jamie and he needed me. He needed me to be the very best that I could be for him. He needed me not to waste my time fighting something that wasn’t going to change.
I know this blog is not starting out with a very positive spin, but in the beginning it was hard to be positive. This blog is going to be my catharsis. For 19 years I have walked this road and no-one outside my loving, faithful rock of a husband has known what this has been like. Now I am putting it out there for all to know. This journey has been full of good times and bad and I will get to all of them. One day at a time. It’s how I’ve always tackled it, one day at a time. I will take this day as it comes and worry about tomorrow, tomorrow.